The days always melded together, day and night never defined. I would like to say that I was numb and stumbled around like a zombie, but that is untrue. I was in torturous pain and anguish, every day, every moment, every task was insurmountable. Day after day the crushing weight of just living increased the bitterness and despondency. There was nothing that brought joy, love, hate, or anger. It all just culminated into hopeless melancholy. Trying to pinpoint or explain the pain is close to futile, for unless you have felt it you could never understand. The cliché of “it ripped out my heart” or “I ached to my bones” just doesn’t suffice. It is more of a deep, jagged cut with a dull knife that reaches into your very soul, the being of who you are. It pulverizes your essence and incarcerates your entity, enveloping you in silent debilitating darkness. The rumination of the mind only adding poisonous thoughts that there will never be a reprieve. Physical wounds and pain have no comparison, in fact physical pain is a relief. Something to focus on other than the constant torment. This was all I knew of existence.
I sat in the car in the parking lot. The day was hot and the air was stifling. I had the windows rolled down as I sat and listened to the meditation instructions. I thought, if only I could get out of my own mind. If I could be guided to something outside of the misery that my mind and body were trapped in, even if it was only for a small fraction of time. I closed my swollen, red, irritated eyes; crying had become a new pastime. My pulsing head was supported by the back of the seat and my trembling hands, palms up, restless atop my thighs. I took a deep mouthful of air, it stuck in my throat for a moment causing a quick short exhale with an even more desperate gulp. Listening to the soothing music and the low monotone whisper of the sweet voice on the CD I began to quiet my mind and body. As my arms went limp, my breathing slowed and calmed, my mind let go of the hostile scrutiny, I found a respite. I do not know how much time passed while I was in this state, but in an instant, I travelled.
The fragrance from the bouquet of wild flowers sailed on the breeze, gently playing with my hair and tracing my face. My eyes were wide and clear, free from discomfort. I breathed deeply the sweet aroma, a smooth filling breath expanding my lung capacity to almost bursting. My thoughts were unclouded, my soul was light. I glided forward through the tall grass with my arms out low by my hips letting the grains of the tall, thick grass tickle my wrists and palms. The white, full gown hung on my frame loosely, my body unbound from torment. The breeze passed right through the garment, cooling my skin and billowing the delicate fabric. My shoulders were being kissed by the heat of the sun; radiant, high in the sky, casting violet across the heavens. I just moved forward, not knowing where I was headed, not caring. I let the exquisite nature wrap around me and fill me with a stillness that was foreign to me. I strolled always moving forward but at a slow, lazy pace imbibing in the tranquility and allure of my surroundings.
In the distance, growing as I carried myself onward, stood an arch of rounded stone leading into a large, free standing circular chamber. I stepped in, my feet resting on stone that glittered and danced with silver. A luminous ray from the sun streaming through the open ceiling focused on a large fountain in the center of the room, rough stones about waist high conforming to the spherical surrounding walls. Planted inside was a large garland of polished marble roses draped around an alabaster tree extending up to branches filled with elegant, shimmering gold leaves that flittered and chimed in the draft. In wonderment I drew near the sapphire water rippling within. I immersed my hands cupped together leaning over the stone to refresh my cheeks with the chilled and pacifying liquid. The oppression of the darkness that has been my longtime companion released me. It hung next to me in the air confined in place as it struggled to reclaim its home within me.
My eyes trace from the arch and over the walls, halfway around situated in the stone and mortar stood a large wooden arched door. Golden hardware adorned the dark cherry wood, the opulent handle invited me close. The gold felt silky and comfortable in my hand and the door was astonishingly light. I expected to step into the meadow I had previously wandered. As the door revealed the scene of sand and pebble the scent of salt water took over. The wind grew from a breeze to a more gusty commanding force. I turned to look behind me through the arch, the flowers and grass of the meadow amiably swayed. Welling up, viscerally, was the ambiguity of the choice before me. I knew the tranquility of the meadow, before me was unknown. The meadow seemed safe, a place I could linger in the calm release of chaos. The intensity before me didn’t feel threatening or ominous, but it stirred in me the opportunity for growth and progress.
My bare foot sunk into the loose sand, while my hair caught in the gust of wind and curled around my neck. Palm trees stood tall around me and a dense ridge of vegetation separated me from the sound of the crashing waves. I ventured through the expansive leaves that slapped at my ankles and thighs, emerging onto the shore. Stumbling to a palm tree that stretched parallel with the coast I lowered myself to sit onto the strong trunk. I am not sure how long I sat there in solitude, but the crashing waves grew to lapping swirls of foam and the whipping wind calmed to an almost imperceptible movement that was felt only by the leaves. Across the shoreline stood another tall palm tree, strong and straight, glorifying the surroundings.
Then I saw you under that robust tree, transcendent, arms outstretched, waiting for me. I ran as quickly as my legs and body could move. Tears were already streaming down my face, the force of my movement gliding them across my cheeks, dripping down my earlobes. Finally reaching you, I remember falling into the arms of grace. Every ounce of me releasing all of the woes, limp without a frame, you held me up and supported me with your almighty power. My silent tears turning into sobs that absorbed into your being. You sat me down next to you as you leaned your back against the tree. Your arm around me, comforting and sturdy. I laid my head in your lap and your hand rested on my head in understanding, blessing my existence. No words were spoken, they were not needed. My sobs grew to gut wrenching convulsions, my hair matted with tears, sticking to my skin and my breathing heavy and heaving. You held me, my creator, consuming all of my anguish and pain, devouring the weight of hardships from my life. You did not ask me to stop, you did not tell me to pull myself together, and you did not tell me it will all work out. In your patience I expelled my lifetime through those tears and you sustained me.
Drained but reverent, I felt humble and innocent; a child swaddled in your holy celestial light. Your child. I never wanted to be released from your embrace. I never wanted to face another moment in your absence. I resisted and angst sparked within me at your wish for me to return. You conveyed to me that as arduous as my journey had been thus far I had to proceed. My role for others on my path was vital to their exploration, as well as to my own. Then you spoke, angelic and omnipotent, “I am always right here.”
I felt a surge almost nauseating, my eyes wide open staring out the windscreen of the car. Soaked in sweat and tears, cumbersome and awkward in the weight of my body. People noisy and skirting about oblivious to my reunion. I felt an overpowering sadness, a longing for what was out of reach. Beside me the cold hovering darkness that had so recently resided in me threatened to return. My savior had regenerated my soul, he had put the earthly physical demons at bay. It is not my job to defeat and banish those demons, it is my job to push them aside and pursue happiness despite their presence. I realized that my life was an investigation, hard and laborious, sometimes excruciating and distressing, but never unaccompanied. I know my emotional and spiritual revelations are important for my eternal growth and awareness. I also know that through me God provides others that same growth and awareness in their investigation. We are all connected, we are all important to each other no matter how small or how distant the encounter. I will warrior through this.